Someone just spoke to me without sending me any express written warning that they intended to inflict audible battery against my tympanic membrane, and I think I just stumbled over every syllable of the Necronomicon trying to form a coherent sentence. Just to clarify my routine, here’s the six stages of my mourning… er, “morning”. :
1. Shock : The shock of realizing that I am not actually working the drive thru of Burger King while Darth Vader and Predator work as line cooks, plotting to steal my secret microfilm during my lunch break, and that it was only a dream, and that my soul has been summoned to this wakeful plane to deal with another day of working to live to work to live to work.
2. Denial : The sheets that may have felt like sandpaper the night before are suddenly a marshmallow cloud of silken ecstasy, and I shut my eyes to deny the harsh laser of morning light searing my eyeballs, hoping against hope that this is somehow Saturday, and that I can slip back to my imaginary world of Sith Lords and Whopper Jr’s.
3 Anger : Brow furrowed, I stumble about offended that I have to actually wear pants today, and that Ed McMahon hasn’t shown up to my house with a million dollar award for adulting so well and beating level 87 in DOTS. Where’s the justice?
4. Bargaining : I look outside hoping in futility for a snow day in California, or perhaps that this is some Inception dream-within-a-dream, or that perhaps that the Singularity has occurred overnight and that our new robotic overlords won’t allow me to commute to my place of employment because my presence has been requested at the Soylent Green processing plant. If I just keep sacrificing old slices of pineapple pizza to Cthulu, he might rise and replace my daily bureaucratic torment with a slightly lesser undead torment. Plus, I hear he offers a great 401k.
5. Depression : The morning mixtape of my life –
There’ll Be Sad Songs (to make you cry) – Billy Ocean
Hurt – Johnny Cash
Sad Songs (say so much) – Elton John
Everybody Hurts – REM
Barbie Girl – Aqua
Just gotta cry it out of my system before anyone tries to talk to me…
6. Acceptance : COFFEE. BLACK. (Just like my metal.)
Booting “conversation.exe”
Please stand behind the yellow line, wear safety goggles, and keep arms and legs inside the ride at all times.
You may now inundate me with your cacophony of questions.