I was driving along earlier, mp3 player on shuffle. “Summertime Rolls” started playing, and my mind started flipping through my memories like a Rolodex This is the first Valentine’s day in seven years that I don’t have a girlfriend. Hearing that song made me think of all of the past Valentine’s of my life, and what I carry from them. These are the chapters of my life…
(S) – You tore away the little boy that I was, but in so doing I was free to grow and explore like never before. I learned a lot about codependency, and the pain of a broken heart, and the taste of suicide. I would not trade these things in, for the mere act of surviving you made me stronger. We will always understand each other in ways no one else will, knowing each other’s darkest places that we hide from everyone else.
(E) – You were my safe place, my quiet in the storm of life. You gave me hope, and I have that hope still. You were the one that was my companion, best friend, and more. You were afraid of what we had, and ran away more times than I can count, but always seemed to come back. You are part of my life even today, and I will always watch out for you.
(M) – You made me trust again, pulling me out of my own damaged world. You reminded me what a beautiful thing love could be, I bended knee to you, and gave you a ring. We may not have lasted, but knowing you means there are wonderful women in this world. I wasn’t the man I needed to be for you, but have made myself the man I am now because of you. You found your happy ending, now I am deserving of mine…
(M) – You made me welcome in a strange place, and helped me through a very rough time. You helped me brush off the dust and stand up, facing tomorrow and closing the book on the past. When you were lost to us all, it was bittersweet, but you had given me the tools I needed to move on and wipe away the tears.
(L) – This is the first time in years that I think I can talk about you. I learned from you that there are some differences that cannot be bridged. Some things were never meant to be, except for a while, and when you build from a flawed foundation, the whole thing will crash someday. Real relationships can only be built on truth and integrity, anything less is a waste of everyone’s time. I wish you peace and happiness, regardless.
Anything more recent than that it would be callous and uncouth for me to address. These names were the big ones, the signposts of my life. They each have taken a bit of me with them, just as I have them. The memories have become an eclectic little shelf in the back of my mind, sitting alongside birthdays, Prom, funerals, concerts, and days at the lake. I treasure the experience of knowing every one that I have, be it friend, girlfriend, family, or acquaintance. You are all beautiful people in your complexity, depth, and uniqueness, and my life is the better for having been touched by it. This valentine’s day, I don’t have a girlfriend to call valentine, but my life is full of love. Everyone that’s alone at home, know that someone out there loves you, all of my former friends, know that I regret your loss and do care, and all of my current friends, smile and pass it to the next person. I will find my embrace in the warmth of a sunbeam, I will let the wind whisper sweet nothings in my ear, I will be kissed by random puppies as I work. I will count the people that are part of my life, and consider that the greatest Valentine’s gift of them all…