So I was asked at the last minute to perform the ceremony for my best friend’s wedding. Due to an old ordainment from a nontraditional yet recognized church, I was suited for the role, so I spent the day writing up my first (and probably last) wedding ceremony. The following is the script I wrote up:
“As a last minute replacement, I am a little unprepared, so let’s see what I have here…” *shuffling notecards*
“We are gathered here today to join Bruce Steele and Lance Irons…” “… that’s not it…” *flips through cards some more*
“We charge one Chris Holland with 2 counts of lewd conduct, impersonating an officer, and…” “…no, still not it…” *flips through a few more cards*
“This coupon entitles you to one free Margarita with purchase of…” *slips this card in pocket for later* “…ah, here it is.”
“Dearly beloved, those moderately loved, those merely tolerated, those on work release, and those here for the drinks,
We find ourselves gathered today in hopes of joining Donald Gold and Valerie Hunerkoch in the financially and legally binding union of marriage mere weeks before common-law statutes rob them of them opportunity to party about it. Ambrose Bierce defines marriage as “consisting of a Master, a Mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.” We are all filled with love for the couple before us today — that, and about a pint of bottom shelf whiskey, but with a little luck we can pull this off.”
“Valerie is a beautiful, resilient woman whose quick wit has touched everyone present, and I have seen Donald grow from a skinny boy in a jean jacket, to buzzheaded Army vet, to an attentive father, to the happy and fulfilled person I see before me now. They have shared many years together, many laughs, many bail bondsmen, and the back seat of more than one cop car, and have decided together that neither will be satisfied until they get to watch the other die with their own eyes. JUST TO BE SURE. The one lesson I can pass to the happy couple on this day was best put by Ogden Nash, “To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.” If anyone has any reasons why they should not be sentenced to life together, speak now, or forever gripe about it to Karson, your hairdresser.”
“Do you, Donald Gold, take Valerie Hunerkoch, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, to remember to put the toilet seat down, and bleed her brakes for as long as you both shall live?”
“Do you, Valerie Hunerkoch, take Donald Gold, to have and to hold, in all of his old and decrepit glory, to domesticate him, and (according to Ky state law) to never buy a hat without his permission?”
“In the words of the great Doctor Seuss, ‘So, be your name Buxbaum or Dowrie or Bassor Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So … get on your way!’ I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
