Answers to common questions:
1. When will this be over?
A. There is absolutely no way of knowing. The scientists are figuring this out on the fly. The numbers are changing every minute, so by the time you hear the math, it’s already wrong.
2. Do I need to buy toilet paper?
A. Are you out? Do you have diarrhea?
3. Do masks work?
A. Anything rated 95 or better can be effective. N95 does not resist oil, R95 resists it, and P95 is oil proof. P lasts the longest without replacement. Higher numbers (99, 100) are even more effective.
4. Are you sure I don’t need more toilet paper?
A. Are you planning a paper maché Ark, in case of flooding? You’re gonna be disappointed…
5. Are antibacterial sanitizers effective against the virus?
A. Bacteria and viruses are extremely different in makeup. What harms one is not proven effective at harming the other. Things proven to harm the virus include alcohol sanitizers of 60% or better, isopropyl alcohol 90%+, and soap (which damages the lipid layer of the virus). Essential oils have zero effect, although they are great for fleecing a desperate population that is short on alcohol.
6. But… what about the toilet paper?
A. You seem really focused on paper products. Do you plan to eat it? There are better sources of fiber.
7. If I feel fine, should I worry? I mean, I’m a pretty healthy person, why would I need precautions?
A. You actually have NO IDEA if you have it. It can take two weeks to develop symptoms, and another 5 days once you do to get test results. At that point, you’ve spent 17 days spreading your germs to everyone in some mistaken bravado. This is what we call a “plague rat”. Just assume you do, and act accordingly.
8. But, they might run out of toilet paper…
A. YOU HAVE 5 CASES, KAREN. IF YOU NEED THAT MUCH TOILET PAPER, YOU’RE SUFFERING A COLON PROLAPSE, AND HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS
9. If I avoid the elderly and cancer patients, we should be okay, right?
A. NO. Immune compromised individuals don’t look any different from anyone else. Fifty million Americans have autoimmune disorders, most being put on immunosuppressive medications to treat it. That’s one in seven people. The only way you would know if someone has a compromised immune system is if they told you.
10. But… Toil-
A. BACK. AWAY.
I’M WARNING YOU.
I have sanitizer, and I’m not afraid to use it.
11. What if this is some conspiracy by the powers-that-be to control the populace with Marshal law and genocide?
A. Firstly, it’s “Martial”. “Marshal Law” sounds like some 80’s primetime crime drama. Secondly, all the more reason to take the precautions that actually can fight the virus, fighting back against the evil Illuminati that put GMOs in your chemtrails. Thirdly, talk to a licensed professional before you draft a manifesto.
12. –
A. SHUT IT.
Thanksgiving, 2039, with my android grandchildren: “Let me tell you of the great Charmin Battle of 2020. There I was, in the front lines at a Costco, 3 hours into a retail purchase, surrounded by panic-stricken doomsdayers, because I let myself get down to the last roll, when our lines merged. I locked eyes with a Trumpster that declared her dominance in a Banshee wail, and I found myself embroiled in a conflict of ego as our carts began a Mad Max dance to the death…” Don’t let this happen to you. 40 minutes in, I realized I could just order it for home delivery from Costco’s website. Save yourselves, it’s too late for me. Leave me for the Valkyries.